i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
