i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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