all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
