I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
