Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
