I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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