I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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