that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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