i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
