Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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