So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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