life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
