Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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