i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
