There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
