Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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