I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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