i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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