Your tits are I can't wait for
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
