Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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