The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
