woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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