We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
