I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
