FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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