i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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