I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
