he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
