The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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