You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My dick has a subreddit
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
