I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
