My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
