Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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