If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
