I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
