I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
