the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
