I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
