Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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