cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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