dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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