My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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