If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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