Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
