and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
