11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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