Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
