I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
