Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
