I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
