U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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