I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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