You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am naked and annoyed.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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