The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
