she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
