I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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