he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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