Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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