Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
